Six teenagers are under observation in a Benjaminville, Virginia, hospital following what appears to be the nation’s first drive-by bulbing on Friday night. The incident, which happened near the entrance to a high school football game, has raised concerns of mercury poisoning from the exploded CFL light bulbs used by the perpetrators.

WMD in the wrong hands? (Image by Armin Kübelbeck; click image for licensing information)

Sheriff Buford Chicane attempted to quell fears of gang-related violence.  “This was just a bunch of jokers from the other high school,” he told reporters. “And it ain’t got nothin’ to do with terrorism. Ya’ll need to get a life.” The local chapter of the Natural Resources Committee disagreed, issuing a statement condemning “this obvious right-wing Republican ecoterrorist hate crime.”

Billy Kidder, one of the victims, described his surprise at the attack.  “We was talkin’ about the game and stuff, and suddenly it was all, like, pop! pop! pop! We didn’t know what it was at first, but when we seen it was them bulbs, we all ran.” Police recovered a dozen CFL bulb bases at the crime scene. The evidence has been sent to the state forensic laboratory in Roanoke for analysis.

The Benjaminville Fire Department Hazmat Team cordoned off the area and was engaged in mercury containment and recovery operations until shortly past midnight.  “We think it’s under control,” reported team leader Josh Hardee, “but limit your consumption of stray dogs or cats for a couple of weeks, just to be sure.”

State Senator Goode Deeds announced that he would introduce a bill in the next session of the Virginia General Assembly to require background checks on buyers of CFL light bulbs and limit purchases to six bulbs per month.